multitudes

At the end of When Harry Met Sally, Harry says, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to begin right away." I feel that same urgency about beginning a life that's centered around work that's mine - my gift to the world, something only I can give, something that brings me tremendous joy, something I'm the boss of. If only I knew what that something was.

I know I have high standards. I know that some might counsel, "be grateful for what you have. don't strive so hard." I am grateful - my life is full of abundance. And yet, I'm restless. Restless because I know that if I find that place where "my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger" meet, it will unleash deep joy and fulfillment, will color each day of my life with clearer purpose and meaning. I could spend the rest of my days working for companies whose missions resonate with my values - but at the end of the day, no matter how much I accomplish, I am a cog in someone else's wheel.

As I try to crystallize my vision of the work I want to be doing, I find myself focused on the idea of creating spaces that inspire people. As Eve Ensler once said, "We give what we most want to get, and we teach what we most want to learn." YES. I want spaces that inspire me, and am so grateful whenever I find them. I struggled for so long in this city, falling in with those who judge it as a khaki-pants town, with no creative community. I was wrong, and finding places like Tranquil Space and organizations like Washington Improv Theater helped me discover a city full of creative people dying to express themselves, to live differently, to find a community of others with shared interests and values. All of this pulses beneath the surface in DC, and it takes a while for newcomers to find. I see others struggling, and I think, if I could create a space that was a gateway into this dimension of the city I've grown to love - a gateway, like the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland - I would be giving such a gift.

What kind of space do I mean? Maybe a vegetarian cafe on 18th Street, with fresh, delicious, local food - a haven after a harried day at the office, a place to nourish yourself, a place to feel communion with others who seek out such a place. Or, an arts space - somewhere artists could rehearse, workshop ideas, perform... like the new Woolly Mammoth space, but with a feel all its own. Perhaps the cafe and the arts space are somehow attached.

Or maybe, an inn. I love to travel, and some of my happiest memories are of places I've stayed that have provided a unique and comforting experience that made my discovery of a new city or town that much more delicious. When I read travel literature about DC, it's all about monuments and museums; while these national treasures are, indeed, treasures, they cast DC as more of an object to be gazed upon, than a thriving creative city. I could see myself helping, in my own small way, facilitate travel to DC for a whole different dimension of experience: local theater, food, drink, nature -- a bike ride through Rock Creek Park, a beer at the Brickskellar, dinner at Meskerem, an evening at the Source. The inn could have space where community organizations could meet, films could be screened, artists could rehearse...

So many ideas, and yet I'm still waiting for that "aha" moment - the moment where the heavens part and the sun shines down and I know that, yes, THIS is the idea to pursue. I try to be patient - but patience is not my strong suit - and with each passing week, I fear weeks will turn into months, and I will still be stuck trying to crystallize a vision, instead of pursuing a dream. I try to savor and enjoy this process, of brainstorming, allowing myself to dream as big as I can... and I do enjoy it, to an extent. But after a while, being who I am, I want results.

One thing I do know (I think): I don't want to work at a systemic level. I don't want to sit in an office with city planners figuring out how to design DC to better showcase creative life. I don't want to issue grants to arts organizations. I don't want to be part of a marketing team. I used to believe that the more macro you were, the more of an impact you could have, but I'm ready to go micro - to make a difference through the individuals I help feed, nourish, inspire, not through strategies that inevitably relegate individuals to concepts.

Have you ever struggled with a similar process of crystallizing your vision for something? If so - any advice to share? I'd love to hear it...