Sunday, June 26, 2005
But then at the call-backs today, I was off my game. I felt like shit. I had one good scene but otherwise I felt off, and lame. In part it was because I didn't really click with my audition group; so much of what makes improv fun, and good, is chemistry. In part I think my nerves got the best of me. And in part I think I just had an off day, which I know happens to everyone. Whatever the cause, by the end of the audition, the feeling of failure had sunk into my gut like a ton of bricks. I can do better. Let me try it again.
They were going to call by 8pm tonight if I got in. They haven’t called.
I know I’ve been doing this for under a year. I know I should feel proud of myself for even trying, and excited that I got called back. But instead I feel like I just got so close to something I care about, and someone shut the door.
I wish I didn’t want it so much. Intellectually, I know that it's not like I'm left with no creative outlet – I still have the feeling of community that comes from my involvement with WIT, and I still get the joy and stimulation that comes from getting to do improv every week in class, and through a practice group I'm part of. But my heart wants more. I am hungry for the next level. I want to be part of a group of performers who get to know each others’ rhythms, to feel the “group mind,” to perform for audiences…I want to be part of a performing troupe.
I can't tie this up in a neat little bow - it's 9:43pm, and part of me is still fantasizing that the phone will ring, and they'll explain that it took them longer than expected to make their decisions. But mostly I know that isn't going to happen, and I don't know how to deal with the disappointment. Intellectually, I know I'll bounce back; but my heart doesn't really give a shit about my intellect right now.
Let me try it again.
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